Dead, Sweet Boy (Book One - Dead, Sweet Series) Read online

  “So be you Sunny. Whoever that is now, just be you,” he counseled. His big hand pushed through his wild hair, as he tried to get comfortable on the hard dock.

  “You couldn’t handle the me I am now. She’s a bitch.”

  “Oh you have no idea. I’m so good at bitches,” he sighed and looked away.

  “What?” His answer caught me off guard.

  “My sisters are bitches and every girl I’ve ever dated is a bitch. My house is full of women and girls who don’t like me. You and I should get along great.”

  That laugh again. And he has the most perfect teeth. “You got your braces off.”

  “Yeah, you didn’t notice when I came to see you.”

  This time I laughed. Poor Rick always had something stuck in his braces. He never got used to them and his mouth forever looked like it was full of marbles. “I guess six months was a long time.”

  “No, two years is a long time. That’s how long I had to deal with some form of awkward contraptions in my mouth.”

  “Yeah, you so didn’t pull that look off.”

  “I knew it!” he said, slapping his knee. “I knew they looked like crap. You guys should have been honest with me, always telling me you could hardly notice.” We both laughed, and when he saw that he got a little chuckle out of me, he laughed harder. “You guys were all laughing behind my back. Weren’t you?”

  I nodded to go along with it, even though we weren’t really laughing at him. Yes we made a couple light jokes about how awkward he looked with the braces, but they were mostly sympathy jokes.

  “You too? You were in on the joke? You suck Sunny.”

  “Yeah I do. You have my permission to laugh at me. I’m going through my braces stage right now. Instead of a bunch of plastic and stuff in my mouth, I have this spirit that just doesn’t want to fit in my body.” I thought it was funny, but he didn’t laugh. Instead, his face got soft and that big and gentle hand of his reached to touch me. My body jumped to its feet.

  “Hey, I’m sorry.”

  “It’s okay. Um, I think, you know I’m sort of behind on my school work. I think I’ll go get some work done.”

  “Okay. Can I help?” That feeling came again. Like I wanted to run.

  “Not really.” All of my school work was done. I was ahead of where I needed to be. My classes were on line so I could go at my own pace. There was nothing but time while I did my time.

  “Don’t go Sunny. Let’s do something. It’s a beautiful day out.”

  The bitch in me started to brew, because as I tried to walk back to the house he kept getting in my way and insisting that we should be outside and doing something fun. My nerves were busting at the seams, and even though I tried to hold back, the pressure let my words blow.

  “What the frick do you want from me Rick? I mean really! What do you want? Hey, I know, let’s go to the arcade where I can scare all the little kids. It’s not like there isn’t anyone in this stupid town that doesn’t know about me and Mack and the house I burned down. No, let’s go to the mall and really make a scene, or to a movie so everyone can watch me.”

  “Stop it!”

  “No I won’t. I know you’re trying to be a good friend and that you came to see me and that you feel like you have to keep tabs on me now, but I’m not me. I don’t know who I am. I can’t be your friend even if you think that’s what Mack would want you to do.”

  “Mack has nothing to do with it. I thought we were friends before.”

  “Before! Yes, before. Before is gone. Everything is over now.”

  “Over? You’re still here. Mack is gone, but you’re here and alive. I’m your friend Sunny. I’m not those people at the mall or the arcade. I don’t care what anyone says or thinks. If you want to spend the rest of your life curled up in a ball on the floor of your room, I don’t care. Well I do, but go ahead. I’m not going away.”

  “You don’t know how I feel. You could never possibly understand what I’m going through.”

  “Oh my God, listen to you. We all lost Mack.” His hands flew up over his head and his face looked like he was angry at the heavens as he shot a furious expression to the sky. He covered his face and turned away from me to try and compose the tears that started. “For God’s sake Sunny. I don’t want to lose you too.”

  His attempt to squash his emotions failed, and I watched as his shoulders moved up and down to his silent sobs. I stepped closer, reaching my hand to touch him, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t go there with him. The only thing that would have felt comfortable was to run to the house. There was nothing inside of me to give to Rick. So the only favor I could extend was to brace myself and just stand there instead of fleeing.

  It took him time to compose himself and when he turned to face me it only made me hate myself. He was so hurt and I had nothing to offer. “I’m sorry Sunny. Shit!”

  “I’m tired Rick. I don’t sleep. My nights are filled with nightmares and my days – well they hurt. I’m so tired,” I cried. “He… he ripped my heart out. He left me.”

  We stood there together, not saying anything else. I had a feeling that the tears he just shared with me were the first he had shared with anyone over our tragedy. And the few words about my feelings and my nightmares were the first I had shared with anyone. My roommate, Claudia, knew I had nightmares, but we never talked about them. She was cool that way.

  So maybe I did have something to give him. My pain.

  “Understood,” he said. A boyish posture took over. His hands tucked themselves into the front pockets of his jeans, making his shoulders hunch and his head hang a little. He looked like the kid I used to play with, the quiet guy that Mack adored and trusted. We had both been closer to Mack than we were to each other, so it was strange that Mack was still causing the distance.

  “I don’t feel like swimming or anything,” I offered. My voice cracked as my own tears decided they were going to be difficult.

  “We could go for a drive if you want. You know, go to another town and hang out.”

  My eyes darted with the spark of his idea, and for once, I wanted to do something. “You think it’ll work? I mean, that we won’t run into anyone?”

  “I’m sure of it.”

  We drove to the city. It was a good idea to get away from our town and our small world. There were faces out there that couldn’t accuse or stare, because they had no idea what I was capable of. We took turns playing the music we loved, and instead of arguing about the different merits of the bands we liked, we were in agreement. His music, well it was some of the stuff that played in my head, even without the electronics. It felt good. I didn’t feel like I had to go online and research the motives of the bands I loved. If it were Mack, he would listen, but I couldn’t win a fight. He always had more info than me about the bands. It was all he did. The music. And it never mattered how I felt about the music I liked, Mack’s taste always seemed to be better than mine. At least that was how he made me feel.

  “I like Elton John,” I blurted out. It was something I wanted to confess to Mack, but didn’t have the strength to defend.

  “I like some of his stuff. But if you like that style of retro, my vote is for David Bowie. We should do a remake of some of that dude’s stuff. He’s crazy.”

  I let my breath out. I wanted to tell him again that I liked Elton John’s stuff, because it almost felt like he didn’t hear me. But then I realized that he had and that it wasn’t a big deal. I also realized that Elton John wasn’t all that big of deal to me either. He was just something I coveted because I couldn’t share him. I almost confessed the show tunes I loved, but I was pretty sure that would be too much for one afternoon.

  What a difference to just share the music, like Rick and I were doing. It was such an easy experience, without all the facts and research blocking how I just simply liked some stuff that Mack didn’t.

  First on our list of places to go was an obscure diner that was his secret and favorite place to eat. They had an okay lunch crowd, but
Rick was right. All of us there, were partaking in the best burgers I had ever tasted, and sharing a sort of secret.

  “Every time I come here the place is more crowded. The word’s getting out.” You could tell how immensely he enjoyed his treasure of a burger; by the way he looked at it, carefully taking in how good it looked, before cramming another big bite in his mouth, the way guys do. It was enjoyable to watch him enjoy as I ate.

  “We’ll have to find a new secret place,” I suggested, knowing it was a kind of gift I could offer. Something normal.

  A big smile covered his face, almost exposing a mouthful of burger. Quickly he covered his mouth with a napkin while he managed to swallow. “You got it. I love to find places like this before anyone else. There is a down side though.”

  “Down side?”

  “Do you know how many bad burgers I had to eat to find this place?” His laugh let me picture him as a food critique, going into each restaurant and judging their burgers. But then I realized he was alone in the picture.

  Most of Mack’s and my free time had been spent together. Rick got what was left of Mack, and once in awhile, outside of practice and performing, we all went out together. But even then, Mack and I were together. This was the first time that I went anywhere alone with Rick. You might say it was really the first time I took any real notice of him.

  “Hey Rick? You think we could go to a mall, so I can get some clothes?”

  “Sure, but I can’t imagine you needing clothes,” he scoffed. “I’ll bet your closet must be gigantic. I don’t think I saw you wear too many outfits more than a couple of times.”

  He was right. I could have put on at least a dozen fashion shows with my old wardrobe. But it didn’t fit me anymore. My weight didn’t change – I did. While I was away, my wardrobe consisted of plain t-shirts and plain jeans. And I only had a limited amount of plain.

  “Yeah well I need something to go with my new hairdo. Where do you shop?”

  “So you’re thinking about coming over to the dark side,” he cooed like a vampire. “I love to corrupt innocent little girls.”

  “I don’t think you’re dark enough for what I need.”

  Rick wasn’t Goth; he was sort of hard core Indie. Before he let his hair grow out, it was shaved. He let it grow out pretty long, and then cut it to the length it is now. And even then, he isn’t that extreme. His mom wouldn’t let him get any tattoos and I’m thinking it was a good move, because Rick’s the kind of guy that might regret it. As far as jewelry? He wears small silver hoops in his lobes and a chain around his neck that looks like a bike chain. On stage he wears eyeliner and black nail polish. Off stage, I’d say he’s pretty original. I never noticed how good he smells.

  “So you’re thinking of going all weird on me? Black fishnets with holes in them are a good look. Very kinky.”

  “No, I don’t think I can pull that off. I haven’t discovered my inner whore yet. I would just end up looking like a clown or something.”

  “Kind of like Nancy Zucker looked in her prom dress,” he said casually, as he reached for the catsup.

  Prom. I missed it.

  “Picture the football coach in a dress. That’s what it was like.”

  “You went to prom?” Of course he did. Rick was the only one in the old band that had a semi normal life. Mack was dead, I was close to that, and the other guys always struggled with drugs and anger. Rick could pass for normal in the land of the living.

  He looked up from his food, finding it a little hard to swallow. “Yeah. It was okay.”

  “Who did you go with?”

  “Sandy.”

  “Oh yeah, Sandy. Are you two still dating?”

  Rick had this on and off thing with Sandy for a couple of years. She was a nice girl and would come to the practices sometimes, but I always got the feeling that he didn’t want her there. “Dating? She and I never really dated Sun. She just kind of followed me around all the time. We just went to prom together. You know how it is.”

  Heat, flush and blush all hit at once. Maybe it was the way he winked at me, or his smile. Probably because I asked if he was dating Sandy. I had to look away from him. He bent his head to try and follow my eyes, so I grabbed my shake to drink and looked out the window. “What was the theme?” I asked, to change his focus.

  “The theme? Oh, something to do with the tropics. Everyone had to wear those flowers around their necks and they served punch in fake coconuts. Not very original, and as expected, the music sucked. All pop music.”

  “What did you expect? I mean it was the prom, not OZ Fest. Of course they had to tone down the music. They want us to accept that we’re going to grow up someday.” Just like the rest of the guys in the band, including Mack, Rick couldn’t see much value in any music except the music he liked. I saw value in all music. At least I did before.

  Mack and I were going to go together. It was the first prom we were going to bother with. It would have been fun if we all went together. It took me forever to talk him into taking me.

  “It really sucked Sunny. You wouldn’t have liked it, really.”

  “Yeah, I guess not. But I already had a dress.” I forgot about that dress and the tickets Mack bought.

  “Gypsy insisted that they play one of Mack’s songs.”

  “And did they?” My heart took a leap and the food I swallowed came dangerously close to getting stuck in my throat.

  “Yeah. They played The Lamp Song. It was tuff hearing his voice echo in the gym.”

  “Why do you call her Gypsy? It’s such a stage name. Why let her be on stage like that? And that song? That was my song. I wrote it. Mack sang it, I wrote it. We decided he should sing it so it didn’t sound like a sappy pop ballad. You didn’t know that?”

  “No, I thought he wrote it. I thought he told me that.”

  “You’re mistaken Rick. Mack would never take the credit for one of my songs.”

  “Sorry. I didn’t know, really.”

  The confused look on his face bothered me.

  We finished eating and headed to the mall. It wasn’t our mall. At first I was bombarded by culture shock. Not that things could change so much in half a year, but because of my lack of exposure I felt out of sorts. The place was filled with normal kids and people of all kinds. I didn’t know how to move among them like I used to. My confidence along with my excitement was shaky.

  We bought some jeans and tops for me and a belt for Rick. He picked one with handcuffs on it. He bought me some silver hoops like his and a bracelet that matched his necklace. He did that while I was trying on jeans. The truth was I loved them and couldn’t wait to put them on, even though they made us look like a couple.

  The day was great. The best I had lived since the hell of this new life began. It got me thinking that maybe there was a way to go on and start a new life. We sang to his music and laughed the whole way home. The plan was to watch a movie when we got to my house, or go swimming in my pool. But, we walked in on a scene at my house. My parents fighting in full volume. We ducked back outside, so they wouldn’t know we were there.

  “Come on,” Rick whispered. He took my hand and led me out back and down the slope of my yard to the river. It was so dark on the dock. The only light was the moon and it was partially covered by clouds.

  My parents fight from time to time like all parents, but this was different. Normally they would start a disagreement that might lead to some arguing, but most of the time they would walk away from each other and let it blow over. Dad would make another drink, and then another, and all was forgiven. Emotions were pretty subdued in my house.

  Rick and I sat on the dock and listened to the water moving by us, just taking in the smells and sounds the river always offers. In the distance creatures rippled the water, making us look in that direction, as if we could distinguish anything in the darkness.

  “Don’t let it ruin the day,” he said, bumping me with his shoulder. “Sunny? Stay with me now. You had fun, didn’t you? Don’t let thi
s blow it.”

  “It just surprised me. They don’t usually fight like that.” I figured it had something to do with me being back, and the things I had done that had taken me away.

  “Old people have to have fun too,” he said with a smile. “I’ll bet they’re just doing it for the makeup sex.”

  “Shut – up!” I snapped, slapping him on his arm. “I can’t believe you just said that about my parents. What a sick head you have. Don’t put that crap in my head perv.”

  “I’m a perv now? Wow. Is this something I should embrace, or should I change my evil ways?”

  I just chuckled a little without answering. It was so strange to hear his voice. I don’t mean hearing the sound of it, no, I know the sound of his voice. It was his inner voice that was new to me. I was surprised by him. Rick had the kind of substance that makes a guy sexy. Why hadn’t I noticed before? I couldn’t answer him. He changed the subject after a couple of awkward and quiet minutes.

  “Hey, we should get some poles. Have you fished at night here?”

  “Eels. That’s all you’re going to catch. And I’m not taking them off the line for you.”

  “Well then let’s take your boat out on the water. Come on.”

  “It’s pitch black. No.” Panic shot through me. Either he forgot the last trip I made in the dark on this river, or it didn’t bother him. The dark wasn’t a problem for me. I wasn’t ready to take a closer look at what I had done. Downstream.

  “Oh come on. It’s so cool out here. Or do you want to go in and listen to the folks argue?”

  He had a point. I wasn’t ready for the day to be over. And I didn’t want to explore the new dimensions of my family’s dynamics. “Okay, but let’s go up river.” The opposite direction from the fire.

  When we started to get into the boat, I expected to be overcome by the awful memories of the night I started the fire. But there was something about Rick that distracted me and kept me in the here and now. “I get the paddles, and you read the map. I’m the man,” he said, emphasizing his words by beating on his chest.