Dead, Sweet Boy (Book One - Dead, Sweet Series) Page 11

  While she was out of the room, the three of us began to ponder if it really could have been Mack. The consensus was, well we didn’t believe that Linda could have pulled it off. “He never would have told her about the pebbles,” Rick started. “Linda was so jealous of you and I know he never discussed you with her. He told me.”

  “He was a liar,” Claudia chimed in, “how do you know he wasn’t lying about that?”

  “Because he protected Sunny.”

  “That he did,” I said. Now I knew it was in a wrong way and I was starting to feel strange about that protection. He protected me through his sickness.

  “So he wouldn’t hurt you?” Claudia asked.

  “Today I found out that he hurt me in a lot of ways, but no, I don’t think he would hurt me.”

  “But he was crazy.”

  Rick and I both looked at Claudia at the same time. It was so blunt to hear a stranger to our group sum Mack up like that.

  “Sorry. But he was. Wasn’t he? What if he’s a crazy ghost?”

  Anything was possible. That’s what I had learned that day. The truth was that I didn’t know the closest friend in the world to me, and now I was considering what kind of spirit he was if he was indeed lingering on this earth.

  We moved our little group to my TV room, pulling out the couch and piling in close together. I have to say, it did bother me a little to share half of the boy I wasn’t sure if I was dating or not with my roommate.

  For my mother’s sake we calmed down. It wasn’t like she could do anything about it. Several times before my father came home and they went to bed, mom checked on us and brought us drinks and snacks.

  When I was sure that Claudia was asleep, I put my head on Rick’s chest. I didn’t want him to see my face while I talked. “So he told you he wrote my song.” It wasn’t a question. It was a confirmation of what I was learning about Mack. “What other lies do you know about?”

  The pebbles started again. Mack knew what room we were in. He was an intelligent presence, not a wandering spirit. There wasn’t anything he could do to stop me from learning the truth now. He was there, but he wasn’t and he was hardly a shield from the truth anymore.

  “Don’t worry about it Sun. It’s over,” he said softly.

  “Over? I don’t think so. He’s out there. Please Rick. It appears I’ve been living in some sort of Mack induced fog. Please tell me.”

  “Well I heard the same lies you did about his sickness. He had us all fooled.”

  “There’s more. I can tell.”

  Rick’s arms held me a little tighter. When he pressed his lips against the top of my head, he sighed. His warm breath around my head made me burrow in deeper and prepare for the worst.

  “Not now,” he whispered. “I don’t want you to get angry.”

  “Now Rick.”

  “Go to sleep Sun.” He shifted his body a little so he could reach my face and my neck with his mouth. God it felt good. He was so warm and deep. I reached my mouth to catch his earlobe between my lips. He shifted again, to kiss my mouth. Another splatter of pebbles hit the window by the bed, causing me to jump a little and release my lips from his. When Rick tried to make the connection with my mouth again, I tensed a little and pulled away.

  “Please tell me.” My whisper was very breathy because of my body’s response to him. If Claudia hadn’t been in the bed next to us, I might have let it go on a little before trying to get him to talk. But then again the nightmare I had about me and Rick seemed a little too alive with Mack outside the house. Was I sick or something? I mean, I was able to kiss Rick while Mack was clearly haunting us.

  Rick turned his face away from mine before he spoke. “He said that you… I mean he… oh shit Sunny. He said that he’d been doing stuff with you since the two of you were kids.”

  “Huh? Yeah? We always did stuff together.”

  “Not stuff Sunny. Sex. Mack said that the two of you had been messing around since you were little. He said that you didn’t care that he slept with about every girl he met. He said that you were so in love with him that you were willing to put up with anything.”

  I turned my body away from Rick and curled up in a ball. I wanted to say that I didn’t believe him, but I did now. Tears poured from my eyes but I didn’t make a sound.

  Rick shifted again to put his chest against my back and wrapped his warm arms around me. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “If it helps, I didn’t believe him.”

  “Why not,” I said a little too loudly. Claudia stirred a little.

  “I don’t know. Hopeful I guess.”

  “Hopeful?”

  “Yeah. Hopeful. I guess I knew somewhere deep down that you weren’t like that.”

  “Thanks.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  “He slept with everyone?”

  “You didn’t know? Yeah, just about every groupie we ran into. Oh man, you were just friends weren’t you? I mean I’m not telling you something that will break your heart anymore – am I?”

  “How was I supposed to know? I obviously didn’t know him.”

  Rick used his strength gently to turn me back to face him. His eyes looked deeply into mine. “Were you sleeping with him Sun? I mean I didn’t hurt you, did I? Oh man look at you, you’re crying.”

  My face went all hot and flush and I was grateful that he couldn’t see the bright color. It should have been easy to answer him. All I had to say was ‘no’ but instead, words and emotions got me all flustered. “I… I…”

  “I’m so sorry Sunny.”

  My inexperience had me by the tongue. Not only was I a virgin in the physical sense, but Rick was trying to open up a section of my brain and spirit that had never been tapped into. I liked his kiss, and I was the one who kissed him first, but that didn’t mean that I knew how to handle it. I heard Claudia’s voice from earlier telling me to go with it and to finally do something normal. I didn’t know how to talk to him about that kind of stuff. I didn’t know how to talk to anyone about that kind of stuff.

  “I… I…”

  Rick wiped the tears from my face with the sheet. “It’s okay. You don’t have to talk about it.”

  If I didn’t say something, he was going to think that Mack had told him the truth. In a way it was a little true. Mack had always made me feel dirty if I wanted to talk about sex. He told me it was wrong. He kept me away from everyone. How was I supposed to know how to talk to Rick? How was I supposed to know what was normal? Maybe I was pushing him away because of my warped understanding of things.

  “He… he…”

  “Shhhh. It’s okay Sun. I don’t need to know. It doesn’t matter to me.”

  Well it did matter to me. “I’m… I’m a virgin.” I felt his body shutter just slightly, and then his arms squeezed me closer to him. I immediately felt stupid for what I said. Even when I talked to Claudia about that very fact, it wasn’t easy. She pried it out of me. This was different. This was letting a guy in on my most private piece of me. Mack told me to never tell a guy that I was a virgin. He said to get out of any conversation like that. He told me that I would become a conquest and that guys would say or do anything to get me to sleep with them, just because of that fact that I was ‘untouched.’

  “I understand,” Rick whispered. His lips found my face again, and then my mouth.

  “No you don’t.” I got up and moved to the overstuffed chair. It killed me to see him laying in the sofa bed with Claudia, but I was finished for the night. Pieces of Mack were coming into the light, and I knew no good could come from that. Seeing Mack in complete daylight would mean seeing myself too. I wasn’t ready. How could I tell them all about what was happening inside of me?

  “Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine,” I lied.

  “Good night.”

  “Yeah, Good night.”

  The tears stopped. I was more frightened about the past than sad for a moment. What would they think if they knew? The fog was lifting from my life, and I was t
errified that I might be sick too. They had a name for Mack’s illness, but something in the clarity that was coming to me, told me they were wrong about him. No, I wasn’t defending him again. It was quite the opposite. It’s not easy to admit that the friend I loved and trusted more than anyone, was evil. How else could I explain it?

  Linda’s mom told my mom that Mack hit her. I thought he only hit me. God I was sure that I was sick. Somehow he made me think that he took his pain out on me, because he loved me. I actually felt a twinge of jealousy when I found out that he beat the crap out of Linda too. He made me feel like I was the only one who could ever understand. He told me that he hated himself for the marks he left on my body, but it wasn’t true. I could see that now. He never left marks that would show.

  Claudia stirred a little. I looked to see that she was now lying in Rick’s arms. Jealousy again. I got up and got back in bed with them, making sure that Rick could feel me next to him. He turned himself away from Claudia to accept my return. I held tightly to his big arms while my thoughts attacked me.

  How was I supposed to tell him about all the nights that Mack and I fell asleep like this? Together. I would never tell anyone about the times that I pretended to be asleep while Mack touched me. It only happened when he and Linda were fighting. Well to tell the truth, that was a few times a month. Why did I let him? That was my sick sex. I didn’t know what it was, except another way to take care of him. I believed him when he said that guys couldn’t help but do anything they could to get a girl in bed. I believed him when he said that the urges were too great for guys and they were made differently. He said that once guys started having sex they had to have it on a regular basis or they got sick. Yes, I know. I’m that girl who really believed that a guy’s balls would be damaged if they went too long without some sort of sex. I believed it was the most painful thing a man could go through. I guess I saw it as a favor. I guess so he wouldn’t go out and conquer another girl like Linda.

  No, it was because I wanted him for myself. I let him touch me because I wanted him. It was hard to realize that it hurt that he didn’t want me. It hurt that he accused me of being dirty when I tried to talk about sex. It hurt that I didn’t push him away and tell him to get his sick hands off of me.

  It was safe to say I was waking up from the lies. I shivered when I thought of Mack touching me in his sneaky way. I could still hear his breathing getting heavy and feel my body wanting to respond while I wished he would make an attempt to wake me, and then take me. Instead, each time I cried a little when he would leave my side and go into the bathroom. It was rejection, even if I wasn’t supposed to know it was happening.

  Rick was asleep. I explored his big hand while I tortured myself with my memories. He stirred and pulled me closer. Gently he kissed my head. I woke up many times, and was surprised that Rick’s hands weren’t controlled by urges.

  The pebbles hitting the window continued through the night. We were resolved that it was Mack. In the light of the day, when he wasn’t there to shake us, we would make a plan.

  My nightmare came like it always did.

  When I screamed, my friends were there.

  “He’s still out there,” I cried quietly.

  “We’re here with you,” Rick whispered, pulling me closer. Even with everything that was happening, I was able to feel the warmth of his touch and his kisses on my head. I tried hard not to remember what it felt like when Mack and I cuddled or comforted. I always thought he made me feel safe, but I was so wrong. What had happened to Mack in that last year or so?

  How do I explain what it’s like to think of my sweet boy out there, as a troubled spirit, roaming our town? People talking and all their bad thoughts, made me want to go find him. And yet, there he was outside the window of my house, throwing stones and not showing himself. How do I explain what it’s like to see him for what he really was? I finally fell asleep to the music in my head. My tranquilizer came in the form of the song, It’s Just Me, by Escape the Fate, playing over and over until I could see Mackie singing it.

  I’m creeping my way out so you can see me

  I’m crawling my way around a thousand cities

  You all stop and stare, I don’t need your pity

  I’m living my life in this hell

  Now I’m crawling away cause the stress has killed me

  I feel like I fell from a ten story building

  Best run and hide before the devil starts her bidding

  I’m living my life in this hell

  I’m not one for the crowd to see

  It’s just me

  It’s just me…

  Just a little more, come on and satisfy me

  Just a little more, come on and terrify me

  Just a little more and I’ll be done with it

  Take my life and then I’ll feel okay

  Cut it out of my mouth

  Put my tongue on a pole

  I won’t sing anymore

  I’m losing control

  Claudia was the first to get up. Rick shook me a little to wake me. In my sleepiness, I turned and pulled him to me. He chuckled a little. “Come on sleepy head. I smell something good to eat.”

  When my eyes were completely open and I had a grasp that it was morning, my hands cupped his beautiful face. Claudia was gone and the door to my room was closed. Surely he would make a move. I let one of my hands slide down to his chest. If only he knew what a big move that was for me. I didn’t look in his eyes.

  “Are you okay?” he asked.

  I nodded to let him know that I was. My hand cupped his chest a little. Another big move for me. He leaned down and kissed my forehead. I closed my eyes. I didn’t want to see what the urges Mack told me about looked like on Rick’s face. Rick wouldn’t have to be sneaky, because we sort of had something together. Not like Mack.

  “Come on Sun. Get up. Your mom and Claudia are cooking again.”

  I couldn’t believe it when he sprang from the sofa bed and headed to the bathroom. I was furious. He didn’t get it. I put myself out there. Maybe it was in a little way but to me it was pretty big, and he rejected me. I couldn’t help but be angry with everyone. My mother shouldn’t be letting me sleep with guys. Alright she wasn’t really letting me sleep with guys. Mack was supposed to be like a brother and Rick, well Claudia was in the room.

  I was mad at Claudia for rolling over into Rick’s arms. No, I was mad at myself and at Mack. Yes, I was really angry at Mack. I was so innocent. He kept me that way by messing with my head.

  Rick and I found Claudia helping my mother make pancakes. She was turning into quite a Betty Crocker these days. “Good morning,” she smiled. “Get much sleep?”

  “Not really,” Rick said as he stretched his stiff arms.

  “Well Claudia said the rest of the night was uneventful, so I’m off to play tennis. All this food I’ve been making lately is sticking to my hips I’m afraid.”

  “Uh, sure mom.” I couldn’t shake my mood, but tried to respond the way she needed me to.

  My mother came over and gave me a hug and a kiss I was able to return. “You can come with me if you want Sunny.”

  “Tennis? You know I’m hopeless.” I didn’t want to play tennis, but I needed my mother that morning. I just didn’t know how to tell anyone that I needed them. I had never needed anyone but Mack. Part of me wanted to take her by the hand to a room where we could talk. I wanted to get it all off my chest and have her help me make sense of it. But the rest of me was ashamed. How was I supposed to expose myself to my mother that way? I couldn’t. I couldn’t let her know what a pervert her daughter was.

  Mom sighed and smiled. She tilted her head and gave me a concerned look. “There’s lunch meat in the refrigerator, and brownies on the counter.”

  “Thanks mom.” Snacks, hot chocolate, brownies, I felt like we were little kids again. If Rick and Claudia weren’t as into the doting my mom was doing, I might have crawled under a rock. But it was kind of nice, you know, like we were gettin
g back to something from years ago. Starting up where we left off. I realized for the first time that she couldn’t read my mind. How was she supposed to know what I needed from her if I didn’t tell her? I watched her leave, knowing that I needed to find the right time to talk to her.

  Claudia only waited two seconds after my mother walked out the door to start. “What’s the plan?”

  Rick and I looked at each other. That’s when I realized he was watching me. He must have sensed something. “I’m getting tired of asking you if you’re okay,” he said softly. “I wish you would talk to me.”

  “Guys focus.” Claudia had no idea she was blowing off a sensitive moment.

  “I thought I was talking,” I lied again.

  “All I’m saying is I’m getting tired of it. Look, I’m not crazy and I know you’re keeping something from me. Why else would you pull away the way you do and clam up?”

  “I’m talking, I’m talking. What do you want?”

  “I don’t know. What do you want?”

  “Seriously? You want to have this discussion now? In front of Claudia?”

  “Guys, come on now. We have work to do. Did you forget about the pebbles and Mack? What’s the plan? We need a plan.”

  “Oh I don’t know,” he said, “let’s ask Mack. Mack? What’s the plan?” He wasn’t only sarcastic, he was curt.

  “That’s not funny,” I snapped.

  “You’re right there. It’s not funny. None of this is funny,” he grumbled. “Weren’t we good friends? I know I was a good friend, and you? You were his best friend. He’s not acting so much like a good friend. Oh, forget it. I’m just tired. This is all so weird.”

  “He was sick,” I sort of defended.

  “He’s still sick Sunny. I barely slept last night. I’ll bet if we go out by the pool we’ll find a hundred pebbles out there. He’s still sick and he’s going to keep hurting you if we don’t put a stop to it.”